


blue pill red pill

by my_old_username_was_cringey



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Depression, Derek is dead, Drug Addiction, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Relapse, Self Harm, Self-Hatred, amelia is sad, amelia needs a hug, derek died, the whole omelia thing never happened
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-21
Updated: 2019-10-05
Packaged: 2020-09-19 00:13:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20321860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/my_old_username_was_cringey/pseuds/my_old_username_was_cringey
Summary: in front of mea blue pilla red pilla razorbladeand a vodka tonic.in my headself destructing tendenciesand grief





	1. Chapter 1

female,19 years old, hit by a semi, unresponsive, last BP 70/50 she's lost a lot of blood   
''take her to trauma one. let move people!! kepner page neuro and ortho. she's flatlining start chest compressions'' 

AMELIAS POV   
the loud beeping of my pager wakes me up. oh god does it feel good to sleep. i look at it and see '' 911 trauma 1 neuro consult'' that on its own is enough to make me jump on my feet and run downstairs. once into the trauma room i take a quick look around, the girl doesn't look much older than 20. i always find it sad when they die young.   
i approach the girl's head and take out my flashlight out of my scrub pocket my fingers slightly brushing over something else. 

''both pupils are fixed and unresponsive, i take her head in my hands and turn it from side to side hoping for the eyes to follow, nothing, no oculocephalic reflex''   
i stop for a second and take a deep breath in, this reminding me all too well of what happened to derek, maybe that other thing in my pocket will come in handy. god, i hope not. i shake my head to chase away the thoughts and carry on with my check-up 

'' the patient is flaccid with areflexic extremities, no corneal reflex, no response to supra-orbital stimulation, no oculocephalic or oculovestibular reflexes, no gag reflex, no spontaneous respiration. you can stop, she's brain dead. go find the family and inform them. time of death 3:49 pm. '' 

i walk away slowly, head down, fidgeting with the hem of my sleeve. i can't stop thinking about that poor girl, hit with a semi, just like derek, declared brain dead just like derek, there are too many similarities this must be the universes way of giving me a ginormous fuck you like guess what you couldn't save her either.  
i see meredith walking by smiling at me  
''chin up kiddo, maggie's making us some lasagna tonight, which probably isn't gonna be all that great but, you know...''  
i force a smile back, of all people she shouldn't be cheering me up she lost her husband too, i should take care of her and not the other way around, that's what derek would have wanted anyway. too bad im not as strong as she is.

i spot the nearest supply closet and walk towards it. i slowly open the door popping my head in making sure nobody's already in. ''hello?'' no answer, dead silence.  
i turn around and close the door leaning against it letting all emotion i had in me take over. i start to feel it the fire in my throat and the tears threatening to spill, i let them, a loud sob comes out before i slide down the door until im entirely sitting on the ground. i sob uncontrollably clawing at myself and pulling on my hair

its in moments like this when i need him the most

yeah, i need him to hold me tight and to tell me itll all be alright

my cheeks start hurting from crying, crying is an understatement. i frantically shove my hand in my scrub pockets searching for that small bag, the bag full of magic powder, the kind of magic that would make me stop feeling so much, take away my sorrow, pain, distress. i slowly pull it out and longly look at it with hollow eyes. i get up and walk to the table in the back of the room and dump the contents of my bag on it. my hand back in my pockets searching for my keycard this time. i take it out and use it to rearrange the oxycodone into lines. thinking to myself, what have i become? when did i become so weak? i dont want to do this but i need to. i punch the concrete walls with all i have out of rage. it hurts and it might just end my career but oh well. i need some pain right now. when i stop my knuckles are bloody and bruised ill have to find a good excuse for this. i sit in front of the desk rolling a 20 dollar bill and placing myself so i can snort it.

ARIZONAS POV

today has been a pretty good day so far, saved tiny humans and the cutest eight year old gave me a drawing because i delivered her baby brother  
i walk by a supply closet as i hear some banging. its probably some wild sex. but then it all stops and i start getting worried. better check it out. the sight in front of me is simply crushing.

amelia with bloodshot eyes, mascara running, bloody hands and then my eyes catch a glance of something on the table she's at. are those, are those drugs?  
''what are you doing?'' i ask her softly not to upset her, she must not have heard me come in because her head shoot up in surprise as soon as i speak  
'' kinda busy here arizona just get out'' she says harshly tears in her eyes did she relapse?

''amelia frances shepherd you tell me right this second what the fuck you think you are doing'' i grab her hands to stop and try to restrain her and pull her into a hug  
'' get off me '' she screams battling my embrace. i squeeze her even tighter until she calms down and stops fighting it. hot tears start streaming down my face too  
'' i got you, its going to be okay, you're going to be okay, just breathe ''  
i pull strands of hair out of her face, skin clammy.  
'' let's get you get you home amelia''  
i put one arm around her waist, holding her hand with the other one. Her knees are weak, we move slowly to the door.  
"no one can see me like this" she said quietly.  
"that's okay, we can take the stairs"

the ride home is long and silent at the exception of a few whimpers. i repeatedly glance at her hoping she's alright.  
"hey, should I take you to alex's place or to meredith's?'' amelia looks down  
"please you can't let anyone see me like this'' she looks up at her, water in her eyes  
"okay, how about I take you to my place then?'' the brunette nods.

once in my apartment I show her around quickly and tell her she could sleep in my bed, the couch is fine for me. i offer her some tea as well  
"what do you like? I have peppermint, matcha, chamomile, chai and chocolate orange" she looks at me with tender eyes and smiles at me. The sight of her warms and breaks my heart at the same time.  
" do you have anything stronger? " she asks with a smirk on her face  
"amelia you know very well that I won't give you alcohol, not even a drop..." i advise her  
"I won't relapse I promise, it's just to take the edge off."  
i look at her longingly as if saying we both know it doesn't work like that  
"okay, I'll take chamomile then" I smile at her and bring her the boiling water with the bag of tea, some sugar and a spoon to stir  
"here drink this you'll feel better" she slowly takes her first sip, it's way too hot but I don't think she cares.

"let me see your hands" i ask  
"oh it's nothing they're all right, just a scratch, it'll heal on its own"  
"please" i insist, she lets out a deep sigh before putting her hands in front of me I cringe at the sight hoping she didn't break anything. they were so damaged, she had dried blood all the way to her elbows.  
"let's go to the bathroom" i get up and she follows me.

i sit her down on the toilet and sit opposite her on the side of the bathtub. the skin isn't simply cut open, it's torn, that means I can't suture it.  
"amelia im going to put some disinfectant so it doesn't get infected, this is going to hurt a little, im sorry" i say as I pour it on. She whines, nose scrunching up. i hate to see her in pain, i really do she's my friend and she only deserves what's best. it looks like she hit the wall really hard so i make sure her wrist is not broken.  
when everything is clean I wrap up her knuckles in some bandages and i secure it with medical tape  
"this isn't my finest work, the wrapping isn't equal" i chuckle

AMELIAS POV

why is Arizona being so nice to me? me if all people, we don't even know each other that well. should I tell her? she seems to care. maybe it's just an act.  
"hey, you must be tired, wanna go to bed? oh and tell me if there's anything i can do for you, anything at all" she's to nice to be true, I don't want to burden her with my insignificant problems  
"anyway, im gonna go get some sleep i'll be on the couch" she articulates yawning towards the end  
"you don't have to" I answer rapidly  
"what do you mean?"  
"you could... umm.. nevermind, can i take a shower?"  
"yeah of course, you know where the bathroom is, towels and shampoo are already in."

the bathroom door doesn't lock. that's just stupid, i just hope arizona doesn't come in.  
i take off my drown shirt and look at myself. i lost so much weight, my body used to be toned and refined by muscles now all of it melted away. you can see all my ribs, my stomach is what got the smallest, i still wonder how all my organs can fit in such a tiny space. i turn around to look at my back, my shoulder blades are sticking out. i unhook my bra and watch it fall to the ground  
i take off my pants, hipbones sticking out too, i look horrible, almost like a skeleton. my eyes drift off to my thighs scattered with scars and angry red lines some of them scabbed the midsection of my right thigh is tightly bandaged

wow, how pathetic am I?

i open the shower and get in trying not to wet my bandages whining as the hot water hits my cuts, it still stings like hell.  
i wash my hair with some high-end shampoo, the strawberry shortcake soap smells just like arizona.  
the room starts getting cold as soon as i turn off the shower so i quickly grab two very towels i wrap one around my frail body the other one's for my hair.  
the towels are quite short they cover my thighs but not a centimeter longer, i'll have to be careful

i look through her cabinet  
some pills, none i can get high off of, deodorant, a first aid kit, some makeup and a shaving kit. i carefully open it inside are razors, razor blades and some cream. i take note  
i open the door and walk out passing arizona in the living room

" you feel better?" she smiles at me  
"yeah thanks showers makes everything better" i smile back  
her smile suddenly stops, her gaze travels down  
i quickly continue my route to the bedroom trying to ignore what just happened. did she see?

ARIZONAS POV

what the fuck was that? please god don't tell me that was what I think it is  
I'm probably overreacting, ive done this before, i always imagine the worst case scenario, she probably just scratched her thigh somewhere by misguard  
It's nothing

end of chapter I 


	2. chapter II

ARIZONAS POV

Beep beeeeeeep  
i wake up in a burst, quickly get up and turn off the alarm clock hoping it didn't wake amelia. i go into the bedroom just to make sure of it.

i immediately smile seeing her, shes lying on the bed asleep, half engulfed by the covers, warm yellow light hitting her body, her hair messy and fluffy, her lips slightly parted I can see her chest rise and fall. The dark circles under her eyes are the only thing that tells me she's in fact human and not an angel.

She looks so cute in those pjs I gave her  
The oversize t-shirt looks pretty trashy one me but on her its amazing, it makes her look so small and dainty.  
She lets out another soft grunt and changes sides before slowly opening her eyes, she looks around, sees me just standing there looking at her, and smiles, a sincere smile that shows her dimples.

"Hey Arizona, stalking me now?" She says jokingly  
"You know you're cute when you sleep right?" I grin  
"Shut up" she replies throwing a pillow at me  
"I can't say the same for when you're awake though" i throw it back to her, it hits her in the face and she falls back on the bed  
I hand her a coffee, she looks up at me with those damned innocent eyes

" what time is it?" She asks  
'' 7 am i have to go to the hospital''  
'' hey, ummm, so sorry about yesterday, i don't know what that was, ummm-'' i cut her off  
'' nope you dont get to apologize, that was totally normal, meet me a joe's tonight? we can talk some more'' she doesn't answer and i head for the shower.

LATER OUTSIDE OF JOE'S  
AMELIAS POV  
i look at the door, should i go? I'm afraid i might say something i shouldn't or make her worry even more than she already does. i have a tendency to fuck things up, plus i never really said i would meet her so its not that bad if i dont go, right? i play every possible scenario in my head while fiddling with my four year chip and to think i would've lost all of that, my sobriety i worked so hard for if it wasn't for her. i really owe her.

''what are you doing out here? go in'' i hear arizona shouting behind me. now i really have to go, she catches up to me, takes my hand and drags me in.  
we sit at the bar, arizona asks me if its okay for her to buy alcohol, i nod as i order my usual cranberry juice and she orders an ocean blue vodka  
'' so what did you want to talk about?'' i ask already scared  
'' how are you amelia?'' she slowly articulates  
'' oh, im fine, thanks for asking''  
'' look, i get why you wouldn't want to talk to me, but talk to someone, please. do you have anyone else to talk to. i know we dont know each other that well, but im still worried about you, no one deserves to be alone'' she urges.

ARIZONAS POV

amelia is really working me  
'' you know my brother died too'' i inform her as i clench my fists pushing back all the memories. i put my hand on her knee ''i know its not easy, im not pretending i know how much pain you're going through but i have a small idea, me and my brother we were not as close as you were and i hadn't seen him in a year since he was in the army but it still hurt like hell '' i say ordering another drink  
she put her hand over mine and looked at me sympathetically, her head gesturing to a booth that would offer more privacy, i nod

''your brother, what was his name?'' she asks  
''timothy'' i smile through the tears i feel coming up. '' he was killed during the Afghanistan war...you know, when i told him i was into girls he didn't judge and only said he would dance so hard at my wedding, he wasn't there when i got married and that fucked me up'' i say a single tear running down my left cheek '' hey '' she whispers as she wipes it off '' dont cry''  
i order a third drink

we talk about my brother for a while, i drink at least three more, every drink opening up a bit more'' woah its already 2.24 am, we should get home'' she says, rubbing my shoulders. she looks me in the eye and smiles taking my hand and leading me to my car. i hug her as hard as i can ''tonight was not supposed to be about me sorry''

''shhhh, its okay arizona, you needed to get that off your chest, im here for you, anytime'' she says patting my back, tears are filling up my eyes, vision getting blurry  
''do you mind, sp-spending tonight at ummm my place again-gain?'' i struggle sobbing. she opens the passenger door '' get in, im driving'' amelia says '' i dont know how much you had to drink but better be safe that sorry, right?'' she continues chuckling, lightening the mood.

AT ARIZONAS  
AMELIAS POV

'' so ill just be on the couch'' i inform her  
'' i dont want to be alone'' she breaks, hands shaking. i take her hand between my hands and kiss her on the forehead, putting the loose hair behind her ears. we both walk into the bedroom and she changes into pjs. i look through her drawer to find something to weak, i go for a tank top and some sweatpants, then sit on the bed. she almost falls over when trying to put on her shorts. arizona climbs on the bed and looks at me longingly. i smile at her but she continues, its starting the get weird. ''you okay there robbins?'' i ask  
''wanna know a secret?''she smirks, i nod. she leans in and whispers in my ear '' i really wanna kiss you'' she starts sucking my earlobe, then biting it. i push her away, she doesn't know what shes talking about, shes drunk.

'' you're no fun'' she pouts, kissing my neck, down and down and my collarbones. she starts pushing my shirt down. i harshly take her head in my hands ''ARIZONA YOU ARE DRUNK YOU KNOW I CAN NOT DO THIS IT WOULD BE TAKING ADVANTAGE'' i shout ''no matter how much i might want too'' i say almost inaudibly

she slams me against the mattress. our lips colliding in the heat, moving in sync. she's on top of me, grinding her hips, one hand playing in my hair the other under my shirt playing with my bra. i push her off. she can sense that im getting angry so she starts '' that's all i wanted to do, just a kiss. besides, you can't blame me its not my fault you're so damn hot.''  
''can we sleep now, it's almost 3?'' i desperately whine. she nods, putting her head in my lap, i run my fingers through her hair ''please dont leave like timothy did, i need you, please'' her voice breaking on the last word. '' you're not really happy all the time like you say you are, are you?'' she shakes her head no  
''are you okay?'' i ask with concern in my voice. same answer. i continue playing with her hair

'' truth is, sometimes i really want to die'' she confesses

the mere thought makes my blood freeze. god, i hope she doesn't mean that, shes drunk after all. please tell me she didn't mean it.  
i take her head off my lap and put it on her pillow, i lay down, my back to her. ''arizona?'' her head shoots up '' i need a hug, will you hold me, could you do that?'' i ask my brows furrowing in emotion trying to keep a straight face, i can't cry in front of her again, not when she needs me. she nods putting one arm around my waist, the other across my chest.

i hang on to her arms. i can soon here her breathing change so i know shes asleep. i break down in tears, a sobbing mess. i have a feeling i won't be able to sleep well tonight.  
why would she possibly want to die, i dont understand, well, i understand the feeling but not the motive. this question leaves a gaping wound in my chest, i feel like i can't breathe. i can't loose her too, not after dad, ryan (fiancé), christopher (baby) and derek.  
i just can't shake that clod feeling.

i still hear her words echoing in my head.

end of chapter II


	3. chapter lll

ARIZONAS POV

i wake up with a pounding headache. i remember i went drinking with amelia yesterday, i remember bits and pieces. i remember her taking me home, spending the night with me, and…um……..oh god, where is she?

i promptly get up and start looking around my apartment. she’s not in the kitchen or the living room. i knock at the bathroom door. no answer. i come in. she's not in there either. shes probably gone god knows where getting drunk because of me, i should have known not to drink. what was thinking? i get a flashback

''your brother, what was his name?'' she asks

my brother? oh fuck, if we talked about my brother, then i most definitely broke down and freaked her out. why can’t i do anything right? do i have to cause everyone problems? i go back into the bedroom to change as i call her on my cell. the phone rings for a while but she doesn’t pick up. that’s when i see it, the letter on my night table.

dear arizona,

i don’t know why i started it like that, just felt right. first of all don't worry im at the hospital i got called early and didn’t want to wake you. soooo, i don't know how much you remember about yesterday night, it’s best if you don't. i just wanted to say that if you’re tired of always being happy you can come and be an asshole to other people with me, i can teach you. but no joke, I’m here. don't forget it, im here if you need anyone to get your shit out on, talk to, whine to or just cuddle with. so be strong and hold my hand. it's okay, i mean it’s not okay, I know. but me telling you that it’s okay doesn’t mean that right now it feels like it is or it is. but one day, one day, it will be. and that’s what makes it okay.

and i wanted you to know that the world is ugly, but you’re beautiful to me.

your eyes and your lies. beautiful.

your heart doesn't beat, it burns because you are afraid. beautiful.

you know the words but the words aren’t coming out, they burn because they are hard to say. beautiful.

i know everything burns but that why you shine so bright, because you fight through the pain and i love you for that, okay?

i know what im talking about, trust me. i used to feel just like you but some really good friends helped me get through it and i hope you would let me be that friend. because i really need you, more than you might think, so please just talk to me. i don't like discovering secrets then the vodka breath you tells me. i love you. take care.

i blink a few times, like still trying to process all that. i, i told her didn’t i? that can’t be, she can’t know

the phone rings. i pick up out of habit

‘’arizona robins speaking’’ i repeat monotony

‘’hey, you tried to call me?’’ the voice clearly belongs to amelia shepherd, her voice is so unique and soothing but right now makes me panic. i forget to answer

‘’ so i guess you're up, huh? not a big talker i see’’ she chuckles

‘’what exactly did i say to you yesterday?’’ i articulate emphasizing on the word exactly

‘’oh, nothing much we just had chummy talk’’ a moment of silence passes ‘’ it doesn’t matter but i just want you to know that i mean every damn word in that letter, okay?’’

i nod, forgetting she can’t see me ‘’okay?’’

‘’okay’’

‘’see you at the hospital, i have to go, love you’’ she hangs up.

i stare at the wall for a second, that wasn’t too bad i guess. i finish getting dressed and end up wearing a cute little blouse tucked in a burgundy velvet skirt, quickly look around for my keys and head to the basement where my car is parked. wait. if amelia got home with me yesterday, how did she get to work this morning? a taxi? ugh that’s ridiculous she could’ve just woke me. i get in the BMW and painfully start the 35 minutes drive.

once to the hospital i quickly notice my spot has taken by a big, tin foil, ugly ass, sardine can trailer. what’s derek's trailer doing here? does owen no longer live in it anymore? i get out of the car and knock. owen opens the door.

‘’hey, how can i help you?’’

‘’ who is it’’ i hear amelia ask from inside. she walks to the door, sees me and furrows her brows in a confused manner ‘’hi? uhh… were you looking for me?’’ i look at her for a while, a thousand questions going through my head, i snap back to reality

‘’oh, no, the trailer is just encroaching on my spot so i can’t get parked. but, uh, why are you here?’’i ask

‘’i invited her over for lunch, i had some incredible paella leftovers, there are still some left if you wanted to join us’’ the redhead explains

I’m not really hungry i just ate. i shake my head no.

i climb back in my car and wait for the trailer to move. it goes all the way to the back of the parking lot and i park on my spot

AMELIAS POV

i choose to stay in trauma the whole day. i forgot the rush and the adrenaline, its actually better than the drugs. god, why would i ever want to take drugs? the hospital, its what keeps my soul alive. and of course if im in trauma im with owen all day to, which is kind of a bonus. he makes me feel high too, its been a while since I’ve been this happy and satisfied with my life. yes, derek died, he died but that doesn’t mean i should stop feeling, its actually the opposite, it tells me i should live everything to the fullest before dying too.

owen and i work well together, we crack jokes, work seriously, both have a questionable humor, a top-notch brain, were kind of perfect working together.

today i saw 43 patients, most of them in critical condition and all of then are stable right now. we didn’t lose a single one, i can’t even believe it. we had a kid come in who fell three stories, a guy who shot himself in the troth with a nail gun, a severe car crash… all of them are alive. i can’t deny it, he’s hot and got mad skills haha.

end of chapter lll


	4. chapter IV

AMELIAS POV

1:39 am

i just finished my shift. im not tired and i dont know what to do so i just swing to merediths to get some clothes, i quickly look trough my dressing and see this bomb dress, i just want to feel pretty. i take a quick shower, put on cream, shave, shave everywhere, i dont put on a bra because it would show through my dress. i put on some delicate panties and get into the dress, its knee-length and tight, it shows off my body in all the right ways, accentuates my waist but still makes my hips look decently large, it molds my breasts, letting the tits show. i put on some high heals, do my hair and re touch my makeup. i look amazing, its the first time in a while i actually feel amazing too. i think ill go to the club. i need to get my mind off arizona too, i can’t just crush on colleagues. owens different, he’s not really a crush, he’s more my best friend, harmless flirt has never been dangerous, i lived with him for a couple of days last year, he already saw me naked and all. he could be my distraction from arizona. ever since derek died we just drifted away for no apparent reason. thats a shame though, its when i would’ve needed him most.

i hear my phone chime, i reach over to grab it

owen: i can’t sleep, i blame you.

i smile seeing who its from

amelia: send me a sexy selfie, i might send one back haha

owen: there, i brought some water to quench your thirst

amelia: maybe you could sleep better if you were actually in pjs and not in your scrubs…

owen: hey! you said you’d send one back xddd

amelia: fineeeee

owen: you dont look read to sleep either

amelia: who said i wanted to sleep? im out on the town with the girls, well im actually all alone but that’s unimportant heh

owen: i dont have anything interesting to say but i really wanted to talk to you

amelia: how about the fact that you were fucking amazing yesterday!!

owen: oh that was nothing

amelia: no one died, its almost a miracle

owen: i can do anything i want to, right now in reading your thoughts

amelia: consider this to have peaked my interest, what am i thinking?

owen: that im sooooo hot and you absolutely want to do me hahaha

amelia: oh wow you really can… hahaha dumbass

owen: you said you were alone. can i maybe join you?

amelia im on my way to the trinity nightclub. join me outside?

owen: ill be there

30 minutes later

i see owen walk my way and i wave to him, when he’s close enough i take him by the hand and lead him inside. the music is loud and there are so many people. an electro beat plays in the background

‘’come on dance with me’’ i yell. time to put my plan to action.

he puts his hands on my hips and awkwardly steps from side to side. i laugh ‘’is this your first time in a club owen? you dont exactly look in your element ’’ i joke pulling his hips closer to mine, placing my arms around his neck, moving to me rhythm of the music. ‘’practice your dirty moves on me’’ . he smirks

i run my hands through his hair as his hands slide down my waist, to my hips, to my butt. i gently tug on his hair and he gives me a light squeeze.

’’ is this even appropriate?’’ he asks loudly.

‘’ shut up and dance with me!’’ i shout smiling at him, biting my lip, grinding my hips on his, he soon starts to do the same. i turn around so im back to him, grinding my ass on his groin area. i feel his strong arms pulling me in closer, i feel his hands on my ass, caressing it. the only thing i wanna feel that i don’t is his lips on mine. ‘’ kiss me ‘’ i ask

he looks at me in disbelief but finishes by leaning in

his lips brush mine. not innocently, like a tease but hot, fiery, passionate and demanding. i can sense he wants to pull away before he loses himself but he can’t seem to…in this minty moment, my senses have been seduced and i can no longer think straight. “amelia” he whispers slowly, prolonging each letter as if to savor them. i smile, my heart fluttering at his voice. never before has my name ever felt so wonderful, i think, as i lean in for another.

unexpectedly, one of his hands drifts to my breast. it settles there and he pulls me closer. i inhale sharply. i am against his warm chest, chiseled to perfection. does he have to be so perfect? i splay my hand against his chest, i leave it there. his breathing quickened as does mine. he begins nuzzling my neck with delicate kisses. so faint, they are whispers. i urge myself not to get lost in the moment but i do, my limp body begins to tremble uncontrollably. his head is angled slightly to the side as his lips come closer and closer to mine. he pulls away for a second to look at me

the next thing I know, he slams his lips to mine and nearly knocks all air from my lungs.

i hardly have a moment to react before he presses his tongue to the seam of my lips and, at my grant of access, delves inside my mouth. it is a very sloppy kiss the taste of his lips being exchanged in the intermingling of our billowing breaths. my arms reach up and tangle around his thick, strong neck. in an instant i pull away and arch up into his broad chest, moaning in the contact of body heat against my own, before i draw back into his lips. i can nearly feel the slightly sweet taste as it rolled off my tongue and seeped down my throat with every push of his tongue against mine.

we both pull back

he takes my hand and brings me to a seated area with less noise and fewer people

he starts ’’that was wow, ummm, not really expected, uh why?’’

‘’ im a grown-ass woman i can kiss whoever i want’’ i smile biting my lip

‘’so you just kiss me, thats all?’’ he asks carefully

‘’haha. look, owen, you’re my best friend, you wanna fuck me, that’s fine. friends with benefits?’’ he shakes my hand to close the deal.

we walk out of the nightclub holding hands.’’so tell me amy, who is it do you want to forget?’’ he asks pitifully,i look up to him with my hollow eyes

beep

i hear owens pager going off

OWENS POV

it sucks seeing amelia like this, she’s clearly hiding something again. god i hope she didn’t fall of the wagon again, but if its me or the drugs id rather she chooses me a million times

beep

i hear my pager go off, on it is written ‘’ domino transplant, liver ready’’

‘’ hey amy, wanna do a domino transplant with me?’’ i offer, smiling. she nods

we talk all the way to the hospital, shes so nice to talk to, i feel like i could live the rest of my days with her, i dont really believe in soulmates but i can say with certainty we were meant to meet, we just work too well together for it to only be a happy accident.

i think im falling in love with amelia shepherd and im really afraid that its gonna destroy me

are you thinking of me

like I'm thinking of you?

once back at the hospital we quickly go get changed into our usual scrubs and i get another page saying the liver that initiates the transplant would be late an hour or so

‘’hey, um, im exhausted so im gonna take a quick nap before we have to start, ok? ill be in an on-call room'' i say

‘’nope’’ i furrow my brows in confusion’’ nope we are because im tired as hell too so i expect you to share’’ she chuckles

we gat into the closest on call room ‘’ ugh my back is killing meeeeee’’ she complains

‘’ care for a massage?’’

she nods and sits at the edge of the bed and starts to take off her shirt but stops midway and pulls it down, i sit behind her ‘’ you know I’ve already seen you in a bra, right?’’ i scoff

‘’ yeah that’s the problem, for a second i forgot im not wearing one….’’ she whispers as i blush. amelia turns around and looks me in the eyes ‘’ i guess this is the benefit part’’ she takes of her shirt and goes back to her original position. i place her hair so its not getting in the way and i start massaging her shoulder muscles working my way down to her spine moving my thumbs in circular motions. she sighs in relief. i go down all the way to the edge of her pants then come back up slowly, i apply more and more pressure, i still go up until her neck. i can feel a lot of tension there so i do my best to make it all feel better. she lets out a small sound between a whimper and a moan, i smile, shes so cute. the brunette starts slouching on me and i can see shes falling asleep but i dont want to stop so i just continue for a couple of minutes until shes completely asleep and gently lay her comfortably in bed beside me

…

i get woken by my pager beeping once more notifying me that the organ arrived. amelia looks so peaceful sleeping i almost don’t want to wake her up. my hand on her shoulder i give her a small nudge, all she does is move around a bit whispering incoherent words. i push her hair out of her face.

‘’ hey amy, wake up, the liver is here.’’ she answers with a pathetic yet endearing ‘’ five more minutes’’ she hasn’t slept in almost 72 hours i should probably let her, she looks dead exhausted. but i promised. fuck this im waking her up. i pull the cover off her. she doesn’t budge so i tickle her, i immediately realize this was a bad idea when i received her food on my nose but, it did wake her up.

‘’ oh my good owen im so sorry. are you bleeding, god you’re bleeding’’ she stops to look at me and burtsts out laughing, the brunette hands me a piece if paper to stop my nosebleed. she quickly puts her shirt back on and the scrubs over them, i do the same.

…

all goes smoothly. we start with the donor hepatectomy, the recipient hepatectomy, the implantation of the graft with four vascular anastomoses, followed by hemostasis and the bile duct reconstruction. it literally couldn’t have gone better.

oh god what have i gotten myself into

**Author's Note:**

> hey  
first of all sorry if i get the dic talk all wrong im not a med student xd  
also im french so my english is bound to be bad, please, please, please correct me if i say something incorrectly  
hope you like this depressing piece of trash :))


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